White Out

I am so cold.
I think my toes may be frozen. I lost one of my shoes. I can’t find it. I will probably lose my toes. That’s what they do you know, you get frostbite, fingers or toes, they just chop them off like it’s no big deal.  I guess it won’t matter if I am dead; chop away Doc, I won’t be needing them.

I should have stayed with the car, but I could smell gasoline. I thought it would catch on fire, maybe blow up like in the movies. That would have lit up the whole damn sky. Somebody would have seen it. Somebody would have come.

Fire would be good now, I’m freezing. All I could think to do was to crawl away from the car. It was upside down, laying on its back, tires spinning in the cold night air. I could smell the gas, so I crawled away. I crawled away…all alone.  I tried to stand up, but I couldn’t. I was dizzy from a blow to my head, it was bleeding, and the blood was running down my face, getting in my eyes and my mouth. It tasted terrible. I don’t know what hit my head, but it must have been hard or sharp because the bleeding wouldn’t stop. When it finally did, I think it's because it's so cold, too cold to bleed. I don’t know if that happens, I suppose it could; everything else is frozen or slowing down. I tried to feel my pulse, you know, in case my heart is slowing down. My gloves prevent me from finding my pulse. Thank God I have my gloves—I can’t lose my toes and fingers. I am cold and a little scared now. I don’t even have to piss, and it’s been two, maybe three days; I know this can’t be good. My beards frozen too, I can feel the ice on it, it feels kinda cool.

The gasoline, I could almost taste it too. I tried to run away but I just fell on the frozen ground. I crawled…I crawled through the snow, I kept crawling until I couldn’t smell the gas anymore. I crawled on my belly and then on my elbows and knees; like a baby crawling after a ball.

I threw the ball; I remember that now. We were in a big room, a warm room. There was a fire in the room, in the fireplace…that was nice. And there was a tree, a Christmas tree lit up by hundreds of tiny flashing lights, red, green and blue, blinking off and on, over and over. I need to see flashing lights now, not on a tree but on rescue car. But I don’t think anyone is coming. The ball was spongy, the size and color of a Red Delicious apple. I threw the ball over the baby’s cute little head so he would crawl after it. He made me laugh. I can’t remember if the baby was mine. That made me cry.

It is so cold. If I could get back to the car, then maybe I could get warm. It has been snowing since the accident; two, maybe three days. I don’t know for sure, the nights are so long this time of the year. I think I saw the sunrise twice and I may have slept through another. It must be nighttime now because it is so cold. The tall pines cover most of the sky, their branches heavy with fresh snow. No blinking lights on these trees. The snow covers everything. I can’t be sure of which way to go. I can no longer see my tracks in the snow.

The headlights were on; even as the car lay upside down with the tires spinning, the lights stayed on. If I could see the lights then I can find the car. And then I could turn on the emergency blinkers and someone would see them from the road. They would send for help. They would pull me out of this frozen ravine and give me a blanket and some coffee, maybe some dry clothes. They would ask me what happened, and how I survived out here, alone, in the cold. I must get to the car; I must turn on the flashers. Then I will be warm, everything will be good. I must, I must. I must. I hope.

Were you alone?

I can’t stand up. The pain in my foot is too much. The frostbite hasn’t finished devouring my flesh; there would be no feeling, no pain, if it had already finished its happy meal.

I don’t think I was alone.

But there is pain, excruciating, knock you on your ass pain. It doesn’t matter anyway. It has been three (or two) days; the car’s battery dead. The emergency lights won’t work. The 2014 Ford Mustang, bought and almost paid for, red as the baby’s toy ball,  is dead.

I will be next. I am so cold.

You left them there!

I rolled over onto my belly. I think it must be a little smaller now. Maybe when I get back I will write a new diet book- How to lose belly fat while freezing to death. I laugh. The night inhales the sound; all is quiet again. I push forward using only my left foot; the pain in my other is too great. Elbows pressed against the frozen soil, I pull myself in the direction I pray is true.

Two inches. That’s all. I moved two damn inches! How far from the car had I ran before passing out? It could not have been that far—I was bleeding and afraid—mix those with the left over effects of a couple of scotch and sodas…

It can’t be that far away. But two inches? Seriously? This will take forever. I can’t make it unless I stand and try to hobble to the car. But I need to rest first. My frozen breath fills the air with a glistening fog. I am breathing so hard. Two friggin inches and I am winded! Too many burgers, too many cigars, too much scotch. Let me just catch my breath and then I will stand up. I will...I will work through the pain. That's what I will do. I will work through the pain.
I need to get to the car or I am going to die.
The car can’t be too far away. I remember hearing…

Crying. The baby was crying. You left them there!

Oh, my God! My family. The baby, my wife. They were in the car with me. We were coming back from her company Christmas party; we had just picked up the baby from the sitter’s. She said the baby could stay the night; don’t worry about him, she said. Have a good time.  We did. I only had two drinks. Maybe three. But he's too young to stay the night. My wife said she would drive, but I wouldn’t let her—she doesn’t see good at night. I could drive, I only had like four drinks, that’s nothing.

You left them in the car!

There was something in the road. I don’t know, something in the road. There was too much white. I couldn’t see, blinding white light. Snow falling. White everywhere. The wipers couldn’t keep up with the fall. She told me to slow down. The white was blinding. A white out.

I lost control. I lost control because I was trying to miss whatever was in the road. The car started to slide and I…I…I didn’t know what to do. I lost control of the car and it tumbled down, crashing into the ravine. I climbed out through the front, where the windshield is supposed to be. I fell in the snow, hitting my head on a fallen tree branch. It hurt so bad. The snow turned red. Red like his little ball.
I could smell gasoline. I started to run. The car was going to blow up. So, I ran. But I fell again. That’s when I heard him. He was crying. He was crying, “Daddy, daddy!” He was crying.

You left them! Coward! You are a drunken coward!

I left them in the car…in the freezing night…I left them. He was crying. He doesn’t know. He was afraid and he was crying. And I left them.

It’s so cold.
I must stand up. I must get back to the car. I should help them. Yes, that’s what I will do. I will help them. I promise you God, I will help them. I will never take another drink, God... I will hold him. Hush little baby, no more crying…daddy's here...

It’s been three days. They are dead. You left them and now they are dead.

No! I have to get to them; I can do it. I can find them. I scream as the pain streaks up my leg and into my groin. Tears are falling from my eyes. The pain…

He was crying too. Just like you. Just... like... Daddy.

I can. They are in the car. They need me.

Or maybe…

I waited.

Or maybe they left you.

I am so cold.