Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sorrow's Salvation

I have always believed that a man, a leader, should not cry. I have been accused of being passionate about the things I believe in. I have also been told that I am deeply emotional about the things that I love. On occasion this passion or emotion has overwhelmed me to the point that I had to fight back tears. On most of these occasions I was the victor, my voice may have cracked and my lips may have trembled, but tears did not fall.
For many nights now the pain and sorrow have been too much. I sit in the dark and loose the battle as the tears roll. But for the first time in my life I recognized these tears for what they are. No longer did they feel like a weakness, for what they provided was strong; a cleansing. Although my eye sight blurred with their sting, my mind's eye was clearer than ever before.

I saw with pure clarity God's promise of eternal life. A life spent in a place with no tears. And any tears that are left over upon our arrival while be wiped from our cheeks by the very Hand of God.

I saw with pure clarity the Grace of God. The Grace that He has provided over the last month that has allowed me to face each day with renewed hope. Grace that allowed me to  be a father to my children with no bitterness towards their mother reflected in my words or seen on my face.

I saw with pure clarity my own actions and inaction that contributed to the end of my marriage. I saw that during those times God's grace was absent, not because of God but because of choices I made.

I saw with pure clarity the sins that I have committed against God. Secret sins that I had buried beneath stones called denial. I saw Christ on the cross, paying the debt for my sins, but knowing, that even though I have assurance of eternity that during these times I was separated from His grace.

I saw with pure clarity that if I am to claim salvation through His death, that I must also accept suffering as Jesus Christ did. You will not see scars on my feet or holes through my hands for only one was able to  bear that burden, but you will hear me cry "Father, why have you forsaken me?" With humility I await His answer, even though I already know what it will be. And I know that in that answer will be revealed the Glory of God.

I saw with pure clarity that my hope lies in Christ. That hope is not for today or tomorrow but for eternity. I will still hope that she comes back. I will love her until my last breath. But I know now that with or without her, we will survive.

I saw with pure clarity Sorrow's Salvation. The pain will not soon stop, nor will the sorrow soon fade, but with the tears provided by God I now see why.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Falling up. Chapter I

Prayer is an incredible privilege provided by our Lord. History reveals that those other than Christians prayed to their "gods". Furthermore the practice of petition is not limited to those who claim Jehovah as Lord today. Christian Science, by example, believe that healing can result when bringing spiritual reality onto the human scene. Five times a day Muslims recite Salah, a short ritualistic prayer. Buddhists, Hindus and even Jains, (those that do not believe that a divine being could help them), pray. It would seem that the need to pray may be inherent in each of us without regards to what we believe or whom we worship. 
Many religions have beautifully written prayers that are still recited verbatim, prayers that may be reserved for special occasions or recited when believers gather as a group. "The Lord's Prayer" taught to us by Christ over 2000 years ago is regularly recited in churches today. The "Shema Yisrael," from the Torah, translated- "Hear O, Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one." is recited in the morning and evening prayers observed by Jewish tradition. These words have also survived thousands of years with little change if any from their apparent origin found in the sixth chapter of Deuteronomy.
Many beautifully written prayers have crossed the lips of millions of those that believe. I maintain that a reverence for the Maker is needed when reciting many prayers. To approach the throne on bended knee without awe and respect may leave our prayers floating in limbo. This restriction does not come from God but from ignorance of God's majesty .
Having said that, I also believe that we can talk to God without pomp and circumstance, we can talk to Him like a friend.
"Inside the Tent of Meeting, the LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend." Exodus 33:11
"And the LORD replied to Moses, "I will indeed do what you have asked, for you have found favor with me, and you are my friend." Exodus 33:17
Oh what a beautiful sound these words carry to my ears. God is my friend! What a better friend to have!
Talking to God as a friend is what this book is about. Conversations with God.

Now we will tread lightly into this area-"conversation" implies, in most cases, that two or more or speaking, sharing thoughts. I know how I speak to God, but how does God speak to me? To quickly swat away the errant thoughts of you doubters out there that may think I am on the doorstep of dementia let me make it clear-I have never heard the voice of God.
But my own inability does not prevent God Almighty from communicating with me or you.
I have experienced God's answers and guidance through many different avenues or conduits. I mentioned earlier that God will sometimes use others to provide us with His answer. Another way of communication is the power of God to simply prevent or cause an event to happen, then when on closer inspection we realize that He answered our prayer. I experienced God's sense of humor once after praying that a meeting I was to attend, being taught by someone I did not particularly agree with or care for, would be canceled. Upon arrival I was informed that the speaker had been called away to another obligation and that I, fully unprepared, would be teaching that day.  I stumbled through the next hour with a greater appreciation of the scheduled speaker than I had begun the day with. I also thanked God for His answer and even His sense of humor.

God will also speak to us through His written word. There has been many times while seeking an answer through prayer that God guided me to the answer He has already provided in the Bible. Just this morning I was again doubting whether a reconciliation with my wife would ever happen. I have prayed so much for her return. I have prayed that if given the chance I would be a better husband, a godly husband. Yet as I sat alone on the front porch early this morning I began to doubt. My morning devotions brought me to the book of James, where he wrote (to me I think), "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."James 1:6.
James was writing about asking for "wisdom", not the "whims" of this believer. It is wisdom that I should pray for, and do so without doubt. Praying for reconciliation without having the wisdom to be a better partner will surely result in future failures.

God's silence is all to often a tool of communicating. When it seems that He is not responding to your request, you are probably right. His silence is as powerful a communicator as the booming of His voice would be. We must look into the darkness of that silence to see His message. In my own experience I have found that the silence belongs to God but the cause is my own fault. I have neglected to purge myself of the things that are detestable to God before seeking His help. We cannot go to God asking for His help and guidance with our hands digging through the cookie jar of humanity. In that jar is lust, hatred, deceit, selfishness, all things repugnant to our Father.

So silence, His written word, cause or prevention and placing others in our path are some of the ways God chooses to communicate with us. There is one more. One that I think He may use the most and the one we may ignore the most...that tiny little voice.

We call it our conscience, or an angel on our shoulder. Some call it intuition. Regardless of what we call it, the tiny voice acts as our moral compass. The inherent need to pray to a god is embedded in this compass. The ability to know right from wrong beginning at an early age is the vocal chords of this tiny voice. Everything that is good, everything that makes you who you are originated here. It is our essence, it is our soul. And still we choose to ignore it. We reject the direction of it's guiding light. We scorn the results that we know it would bring if we only listened. Why? Have you ever tried to listen to more than one person or thing at a time? Eventually this battle ends with you tuning into one source more than the other. When it comes to listening to that small tiny voice we are more apt to tune it out in favor of the one that is causing the consternation. We are more familiar with this adversary, we like to wallow in our own misery, so we listen to the wrong voice.

So is this small voice the voice of God? No, I would never describe His voice as small or tiny. Believe me when we do hear His voice there will be no doubt. It is not His voice but it is His creation.
"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." Romans 1:20

I would like to tell you that all the reasons I have had to pray about that are included in this book were for the purpose of glorifying Christ. But that would be a lie. I pray because of who I have chosen to be. The circumstances that resulted in the need to sit down and talk with God are of my own making. The stories are unique but I think you will find yourself in many like situations, vaguely or with exactness. The answers that God has provided me are included in this description, they may work for you, and if not I hope the will at least act as a guide. I am not a counselor or a pastor, just someone who knows that without my relationship with Christ, without being able to sit down and talk to Him, I would be nothing more than result of two stars colliding in outer space sending their billions particles into a black void resulting in an amphibian that would eventually evolve into an upright being. Nah, I think I will stick with faith.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Falling up. (Forward)

I began writing the outline for "Falling up" at about the time I was waiting for the final edit of "Addicted to Faith" to be completed. At one point I was going to incorporate "Falling" into the yet to be published "Addicted", but decided that "Falling up", a book about prayer deserved a platform of it's own. Now that the platform as changed medium from paper to electronic I have found it necessary to re-do the original outline. Starting here.
Typically I would not write the Forward until the book was complete, but I am compelled by circumstances to alter that plan. I want to still begin a book on prayer by writing about prayer, and I will. I think it is important for the reader to understand my thoughts on praying, for instance as to why I consider most prayer a "conversation with God". So as of this moment my plan (which I am sure will turn out to be more fluid than anticipated) is to commit Chapter 1 to that explanation. As for now I want to write how I feel.

I am dying inside. I have heard others say that, but until this week I never knew how they felt. It is as if a virus has taken up residence inside my body. When my father died, when my sister died, and even all the years spent dealing with her addiction, I have never felt the way I do right now. The molecules of this virus are comprised of thousands of razor sharp edges; cutting away at my very soul. Each moment they demand attention by cruelly reminding me of their presence. I know when the outbreak of this virus took place. I know the cause-the Known and the Unknown.
I know she is gone. I know she left because I was not the husband she deserved. I know I did things that were wrong. I know I said things that cannot be unsaid. I know that if I did not love her this pain would not be here.
But I think it is the Unknown that provides this virus with the ability to cause such intense agony. I don't know where she is. I don't know who she is with. I don't know if she is okay. Who will she call if there is a problem with the car? I don't know if she is coming back. I don't know if she has any love left for me at all.

The pain began Thursday when she confirmed by text-message that she was leaving. My suspicions that she was planning something began long before that, but I ignored those feelings. Each hour the pain has increased. I thought about crying in my beer but I don't drink. (How I miss that habit at this moment!). Instead of beer, I cried to my Lord. I have prayed more in the past few days than I have in a long time. Only to be greeted by complete silence. Until this morning.

As the Lord has done so many times in the past he answered my prayers through the words of another. This morning at Sunday School we were finishing an enlightening study of Mark's Gospel. John Park is our teacher and paused for just a moment when considering Mary Magdalene. Mark's Gospel teaches us that Jesus first appeared to Mary after the resurrection. "Why Mary Magdalene?" the teacher asked. I am sure that the remainder of today's lesson and the subsequent sermon by Pastor Les were as always filled with words of wisdom, but I didn't hear them. John's question about Mary consumed me all morning at church and on the long drive home. I felt that God was responding to my prayer, that He was providing direction as only He can.

I went back to Luke's gospel where he writes of Mary of Magdala. We are told that Jesus cast seven demons from her, evil spirits and infirmities. That after doing so Mary traveled with Christ and His disciples and "...provided for Him from their substance."
Mary Magdalene is named in the Gospels more than any other female disciple. Was it because of her radical transformation from a demon-possessed woman to a follower of Christ? Was it because the Gospel writers loved her as much as Christ did? I don't think so, we see them dismiss her claims of having seen the Risen Christ without hesitation. I am not a bible scholar and cannot venture any more than a guess as to why this woman who suffered in life was so loved by our Lord that she earned a prominent place in history. But I do believe this; the words written in the Bible are for us. They are for us to learn from, to grow from and to receive peace from.

Christ first loved her. He loved her with all of her infirmities, all our her addictions. He forgave her and accepted her. He loved her so much and knew her so well that He chose to first appear to her because she would believe.


God has spent my lifetime telling me to be like Jesus, to follow His teachings, to love as He did. And although I am constantly aware of His guidance, I seldom follow his divine advice. In the story of Mary Magdalene I see an unconditional love. I see forgiveness, and I see a trust that can only be rooted in true, uncompromising adoration. I can see my wife and I can see where I should be.

But Father the pain keeps me from being like you. You saw Mary through loving eyes, no longer lingering on the evils of the past. You trusted her with your life, death and resurrection, she was there for all of them. I cannot find trust. The pain of loss is easily replaced with pain of memories. Please make them both stop.

It is Sunday afternoon with just of hint of fall in the air. Football is on the television. I have dreamed in the past of an empty house on a day just like this, kicked back in the easy chair, watching football, snoozing at halftime and engorging myself on hoagie. The empty house is the only reality, and it hurts.



Saturday, September 4, 2010

Falling up.

It's been a bad week. I've been falling down a lot. I had to give a long and difficult deposition on Friday. And it appears that on Thursday my wife chose to leave me. I won't write in detail about either of these events, one because I do not think legally I should and the second because I am hoping that I am wrong.
I want to talk for a minute about writing, why I write and why I chose such a public canvas to write on. When I fall down I find it very convenient to stay there on my knees and pray. (I have prayed a lot this week) When I stand back up the anxiety that accompanied the fall is not always gone. I love my Lord, but I don't believe that I have matured enough yet to leave all my rocks and worries, burdens and anxieties at the cross with a resounding Amen. I discovered a number of years ago that writing down my thoughts helped relieve those lingering anxieties. Most often I would crinkle up and toss away the words that had calmed the anxious self. But a time came in my life when the prayers were never-ending and I wore out the tips of pencils writing down thoughts, thoughts that I hoped would provide relief. Instead of ending up in the trashcan the hastily written words became a journal and eventually a book called "Going Numb". I published the book in hopes that my words would become a relief provider to someone else.
At about that same time Facebook was gaining in popularity. At first I resisted the seductive calls of social networking, thinking that it was just another passing fad and waste of time; I was wrong. My publisher recommended that first-time writers should use Facebook as a conduit to provide the much needed Public Relations that normally is very expensive. I agreed that the PR would be good but for different reasons than that of the publishers. I have never made and never will make a lot of money from my books. I write them to help others, and when I hear about someone being helped out of an addiction or  a damaged marriage experiencing rebound, in part because they read my words, I feel completely compensated.
Next came this blog. I enjoyed occasionally using this electronic canvas to write about other subjects that I have interest or passion for. I did so without plan and infrequently. So now I hear that without regular entries the blog is unlikely read by anyone other than the author. Okay, so now I am back to writing words just for myself. That was a long circle to navigate to end up back where I started.
But I have a plan.
I have been working on a third book for quite some time now. I have slowed deliberately the progress of this book. You see my co-author is God. I am waiting for some answers from Him. The preliminary tittle of this book was, "Faith to Faith...conversations with God.", but I think I am changing the tittle and the canvas. I have decided to use this blog as the pages instead of going through the pains in dealing with publishers and editing. And I have decided to change the name of this "book" to "Falling up."
I promise to make entries each and every day. (my fingers may be crossed).
I promise to try never to bore you.
I promise to one day explain the tittle-"Falling up".
I look forward to writing and hope you enjoy reading. If not you can always "delete" or "Un-friend"; and you would not have had to spend as much as a dime at the bookstore.
But right now I need to pause and pray. I have fallen down and know the only way up.

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