Survivor-Part 3

I have delayed writing the final installment of this three part series for selfish reasons. I knew that it would require me to look  deep within myself if I were to, with honesty, answer my own question, "What does it take for the survivor to trust and forgive?" It is not just the answer that causes hesitation. Once the truth is revealed am I not required to act upon it?

My head hurts. You see my friend I have known the answer for sometime now. I knew that I would find the answer in scripture. Just as I knew the answer would come from the life of Christ. I try to live my life by the examples he gave us. Oh I fall short on a consistent basis, but I always try to recognize the truth of his lessons, his leadership and his inspiration and follow them. In following them I may trip and fall. By ignoring them I will surely fail. My head hurts so much.

Judas. The story of Judas' betrayal is well known. It is recorded in all four gospels, each giving us a glimpse of the man who would betray the Christ.

The crucifixion of Jesus was near. He had gathered with his disciples for one last time. Only Jesus knew that this would be the last time they all gathered together. In just a few hours, with a kiss on the cheek of Jesus, one of them would betray him. Who was it, they wondered.

Jesus knew.

Jesus, the Son of God, a miracle worker. A man whose followers would do anything for him to include fighting to protect him, and yet as they gathered together for a last supper he did not point an accusing finger  at Judas. He did not raise his voice in anger. Instead he came close to Judas and said to him, "what you have to do, do quickly."

When the morning came Judas led the soldiers into the garden, Jesus again spoke with tenderness when he said to Judas, "It is with a kiss that you betray me?"

Where was his anger? Why didn't Jesus do what most would have done after a friend had turned his back on him? Throw him out! Be done with him!

 Jesus.said Judas was "lost, doomed to destruction". The bible tells us that after Judas betrayed Jesus, remorse would overcome him and he killed himself.

Jesus prayed for him.
 "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am...."

Jesus died for him.

I don't know what happened to Judas' soul, the bible doesn't tell me. I suspect that his eternity may be very hot. He began as a follower of Jesus, a disciple. Then greed or other evils overtook him, possessed him, controlled him, just like a drug. He changed, never again resembling the man Jesus called to follow him.

Jesus died for him. Forgave him.

I have a headache. I cannot find forgiveness. I miss her sometimes. I have no one but you dear reader to share my thoughts with. I have no one to hug in the morning, no one to kiss good night. Christ forgave me for all I have done, but I cannot find it in me to forgive.

I pray that he will lead me.

I have a headache.

Survivors Part 2

The question today, how does the survivor move forward? How do we forgive the addict for what they have done? How do we ever trust them again? Will what they did prevent the survivor from ever trusting anyone again?

I can try to answer these questions from my own experiences of living with an addict for more than 15 years. I am afraid that my answers would not be edifying for you if you are too a survivor. I know where the answers must come from. My own answers will certainly re-open wounds that have just now began to heal. But for the reader, and for myself, I will quickly walk down this old road.

How does the survivor move forward? I didn't. My life was stagnated from the moment that her addiction developed into the centerpiece of our life. I did not know which way to turn. With great effort I found her the professional help she needed, but I did nothing to change the feelings I had. In those rare moments when I felt as if the future held hope I failed miserably when it came to acting upon the opportunity. Too may years of cautious living had hampered me in every layer of my life. I had given up.

When she made the choice to leave I thought another opportunity to start fresh had presented itself. My motivation was like a muscle that has been neglected, I had no strength. So i wallowed in self-pity. It was the words of my daughter that provided the strength to take at the least small steps forward.

How do we forgive the addict? I don't think I have. The consequences of her addiction continue to have adverse affects of my family. I raise my children alone. I face a mountain of financial obligations alone. I sleep alone. It is her alone that I cannot forgive.

How do we ever trust them again? The opportunity for trust has not presented itself yet, so I am not sure if I could give you an answer to this question. I suppose the closest to having to trust has been the few times that she has asked to see my youngest son. My gut told me absolutely no way! But I considered the years she had spent as a mother, albeit a mother with an addiction, she never once brought harm to the children. More importantly, I would not pass my own resentments down to my children.

Will the survivor ever trust anyone again? This is the hardest question to answer, because the truthful answer reveals more to me than I want to know. It has been over a year since she left her family but I have not learned to trust again. I don;t know if I ever will.