I can try to answer these questions from my own experiences of living with an addict for more than 15 years. I am afraid that my answers would not be edifying for you if you are too a survivor. I know where the answers must come from. My own answers will certainly re-open wounds that have just now began to heal. But for the reader, and for myself, I will quickly walk down this old road.
How does the survivor move forward? I didn't. My life was stagnated from the moment that her addiction developed into the centerpiece of our life. I did not know which way to turn. With great effort I found her the professional help she needed, but I did nothing to change the feelings I had. In those rare moments when I felt as if the future held hope I failed miserably when it came to acting upon the opportunity. Too may years of cautious living had hampered me in every layer of my life. I had given up.
When she made the choice to leave I thought another opportunity to start fresh had presented itself. My motivation was like a muscle that has been neglected, I had no strength. So i wallowed in self-pity. It was the words of my daughter that provided the strength to take at the least small steps forward.
How do we forgive the addict? I don't think I have. The consequences of her addiction continue to have adverse affects of my family. I raise my children alone. I face a mountain of financial obligations alone. I sleep alone. It is her alone that I cannot forgive.
How do we ever trust them again? The opportunity for trust has not presented itself yet, so I am not sure if I could give you an answer to this question. I suppose the closest to having to trust has been the few times that she has asked to see my youngest son. My gut told me absolutely no way! But I considered the years she had spent as a mother, albeit a mother with an addiction, she never once brought harm to the children. More importantly, I would not pass my own resentments down to my children.
Will the survivor ever trust anyone again? This is the hardest question to answer, because the truthful answer reveals more to me than I want to know. It has been over a year since she left her family but I have not learned to trust again. I don;t know if I ever will.
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