Falling up. (Forward)

I began writing the outline for "Falling up" at about the time I was waiting for the final edit of "Addicted to Faith" to be completed. At one point I was going to incorporate "Falling" into the yet to be published "Addicted", but decided that "Falling up", a book about prayer deserved a platform of it's own. Now that the platform as changed medium from paper to electronic I have found it necessary to re-do the original outline. Starting here.
Typically I would not write the Forward until the book was complete, but I am compelled by circumstances to alter that plan. I want to still begin a book on prayer by writing about prayer, and I will. I think it is important for the reader to understand my thoughts on praying, for instance as to why I consider most prayer a "conversation with God". So as of this moment my plan (which I am sure will turn out to be more fluid than anticipated) is to commit Chapter 1 to that explanation. As for now I want to write how I feel.

I am dying inside. I have heard others say that, but until this week I never knew how they felt. It is as if a virus has taken up residence inside my body. When my father died, when my sister died, and even all the years spent dealing with her addiction, I have never felt the way I do right now. The molecules of this virus are comprised of thousands of razor sharp edges; cutting away at my very soul. Each moment they demand attention by cruelly reminding me of their presence. I know when the outbreak of this virus took place. I know the cause-the Known and the Unknown.
I know she is gone. I know she left because I was not the husband she deserved. I know I did things that were wrong. I know I said things that cannot be unsaid. I know that if I did not love her this pain would not be here.
But I think it is the Unknown that provides this virus with the ability to cause such intense agony. I don't know where she is. I don't know who she is with. I don't know if she is okay. Who will she call if there is a problem with the car? I don't know if she is coming back. I don't know if she has any love left for me at all.

The pain began Thursday when she confirmed by text-message that she was leaving. My suspicions that she was planning something began long before that, but I ignored those feelings. Each hour the pain has increased. I thought about crying in my beer but I don't drink. (How I miss that habit at this moment!). Instead of beer, I cried to my Lord. I have prayed more in the past few days than I have in a long time. Only to be greeted by complete silence. Until this morning.

As the Lord has done so many times in the past he answered my prayers through the words of another. This morning at Sunday School we were finishing an enlightening study of Mark's Gospel. John Park is our teacher and paused for just a moment when considering Mary Magdalene. Mark's Gospel teaches us that Jesus first appeared to Mary after the resurrection. "Why Mary Magdalene?" the teacher asked. I am sure that the remainder of today's lesson and the subsequent sermon by Pastor Les were as always filled with words of wisdom, but I didn't hear them. John's question about Mary consumed me all morning at church and on the long drive home. I felt that God was responding to my prayer, that He was providing direction as only He can.

I went back to Luke's gospel where he writes of Mary of Magdala. We are told that Jesus cast seven demons from her, evil spirits and infirmities. That after doing so Mary traveled with Christ and His disciples and "...provided for Him from their substance."
Mary Magdalene is named in the Gospels more than any other female disciple. Was it because of her radical transformation from a demon-possessed woman to a follower of Christ? Was it because the Gospel writers loved her as much as Christ did? I don't think so, we see them dismiss her claims of having seen the Risen Christ without hesitation. I am not a bible scholar and cannot venture any more than a guess as to why this woman who suffered in life was so loved by our Lord that she earned a prominent place in history. But I do believe this; the words written in the Bible are for us. They are for us to learn from, to grow from and to receive peace from.

Christ first loved her. He loved her with all of her infirmities, all our her addictions. He forgave her and accepted her. He loved her so much and knew her so well that He chose to first appear to her because she would believe.


God has spent my lifetime telling me to be like Jesus, to follow His teachings, to love as He did. And although I am constantly aware of His guidance, I seldom follow his divine advice. In the story of Mary Magdalene I see an unconditional love. I see forgiveness, and I see a trust that can only be rooted in true, uncompromising adoration. I can see my wife and I can see where I should be.

But Father the pain keeps me from being like you. You saw Mary through loving eyes, no longer lingering on the evils of the past. You trusted her with your life, death and resurrection, she was there for all of them. I cannot find trust. The pain of loss is easily replaced with pain of memories. Please make them both stop.

It is Sunday afternoon with just of hint of fall in the air. Football is on the television. I have dreamed in the past of an empty house on a day just like this, kicked back in the easy chair, watching football, snoozing at halftime and engorging myself on hoagie. The empty house is the only reality, and it hurts.

Falling up.

It's been a bad week. I've been falling down a lot. I had to give a long and difficult deposition on Friday. And it appears that on Thursday my wife chose to leave me. I won't write in detail about either of these events, one because I do not think legally I should and the second because I am hoping that I am wrong.
I want to talk for a minute about writing, why I write and why I chose such a public canvas to write on. When I fall down I find it very convenient to stay there on my knees and pray. (I have prayed a lot this week) When I stand back up the anxiety that accompanied the fall is not always gone. I love my Lord, but I don't believe that I have matured enough yet to leave all my rocks and worries, burdens and anxieties at the cross with a resounding Amen. I discovered a number of years ago that writing down my thoughts helped relieve those lingering anxieties. Most often I would crinkle up and toss away the words that had calmed the anxious self. But a time came in my life when the prayers were never-ending and I wore out the tips of pencils writing down thoughts, thoughts that I hoped would provide relief. Instead of ending up in the trashcan the hastily written words became a journal and eventually a book called "Going Numb". I published the book in hopes that my words would become a relief provider to someone else.
At about that same time Facebook was gaining in popularity. At first I resisted the seductive calls of social networking, thinking that it was just another passing fad and waste of time; I was wrong. My publisher recommended that first-time writers should use Facebook as a conduit to provide the much needed Public Relations that normally is very expensive. I agreed that the PR would be good but for different reasons than that of the publishers. I have never made and never will make a lot of money from my books. I write them to help others, and when I hear about someone being helped out of an addiction or  a damaged marriage experiencing rebound, in part because they read my words, I feel completely compensated.
Next came this blog. I enjoyed occasionally using this electronic canvas to write about other subjects that I have interest or passion for. I did so without plan and infrequently. So now I hear that without regular entries the blog is unlikely read by anyone other than the author. Okay, so now I am back to writing words just for myself. That was a long circle to navigate to end up back where I started.
But I have a plan.
I have been working on a third book for quite some time now. I have slowed deliberately the progress of this book. You see my co-author is God. I am waiting for some answers from Him. The preliminary tittle of this book was, "Faith to Faith...conversations with God.", but I think I am changing the tittle and the canvas. I have decided to use this blog as the pages instead of going through the pains in dealing with publishers and editing. And I have decided to change the name of this "book" to "Falling up."
I promise to make entries each and every day. (my fingers may be crossed).
I promise to try never to bore you.
I promise to one day explain the tittle-"Falling up".
I look forward to writing and hope you enjoy reading. If not you can always "delete" or "Un-friend"; and you would not have had to spend as much as a dime at the bookstore.
But right now I need to pause and pray. I have fallen down and know the only way up.