Thursday, May 3, 2012

It Didn't Happen


I thought I had written the last entry for this blog. I began fresh with a new blog, “Is God in My Pajamas?” a few months back. It is on the lighter side when compared to this one. I did so to try and put behind me the constant darkness that surrounds writing about addictions. But I can’t seem to get completely away.

A few days ago a thought wandered into my mind from nowhere. Once inside it began rolling around, changing and growing constantly. With effort I would push it aside. But it just kept coming back, kicking other thoughts away like a bully on the playground.

The thought- what would be different today if you hadn’t become an addict.
I went back in time, trying to remember the way things were and the way I had hoped things would be.

Georgetown, Texas-

We were back in Texas after our adventures in Alaska. I didn’t know then that the addiction that would destroy everything in its path like a F5 tornado had its roots in Alaska.
Our children were growing up too fast. Jennifer and Elizabeth were enjoying the life of young girls. There were boyfriends, choir and dance teams. James was just a little boy who played baseball with his Dad and brought home the occasional frog. My hopes for the future of our children included thoughts of proms and high school graduations, college, careers and families of their own. I pictured grandchildren who would love the Lord, like eating cake with grandpa and hrowing our family tree. Things were good.

Almost.

Your addiction was taking on new forms. Your secret life was starting to reveal. Trust was eroding. With each lie you told my trust in you suffered further corrosion. I had always been a man who believed, who trusted, always willing to give the benefit of doubt. To this day I no longer know how to trust.
Lies and lack of trust turned into perpetual arguments. The fighting was non-stop. Our problems stormed down the hill to our children. I started taking it out on them. My lack of trust was no longer limited to you; I didn’t trust my own children.
An opportunity for change came. We made the decision to relocate to Georgia. I thought that new surroundings, new beginnings would make you stop.

It didn’t happen.

Atlanta, Georgia-
A new home in Georgia. But our daughters, Jennifer and Elizabeth did not come. The tension was too much for them and they looked for peace with their real father’s family. I knew I had lost them. I knew I had lost them because of what you were doing to me, to our family.

Our baby, Sara Rose was the newest member of our family. Even at such a young age she was excited about moving to Georgia. I was never able to let go of the thought that she spent her first days of life in  intensive care at Seton Hospital because of the pills you abused so often. On my knees I asked God to let her live, that the sins of the parents would not pass down.

When you became pregnant with Joseph the same fear haunted me every day for nine months. Would he suffer the way Sara had?

I believe it was the grace of God that allowed our life to have some semblance of normalcy during those years in Georgia. I poured myself into my career, partly to avoid spending time with you. The abuse of painkillers had changed you so much I could no longer recognize the woman I had fallen in love with.

Then you chose to admit to your addiction to me at a time that could only interfere. My career was moving in the direction I had hoped for. In less than a year I would have been promoted to the C.O.O. of one of the fastest growing companies in Georgia,

It didn’t happen.

You wanted to move back to Texas. You wanted a fresh start. Running away was the real motive; I just didn’t recognize it then. Our son James made the same decision that Jennifer and Elizabeth had made, he wanted to stay in Georgia, not with family but with friends. That day, that very moment he told me his decision, may be the saddest I have experienced in a life that has been riddled with sorrow.
You said that if we moved back Texas you would get the professional help you needed.

It didn’t happen.

Texas-
Nothing changed. You found new ways to obtain the painkillers. You honed your deceit like an expert. I prayed that you would seek help.

It didn’t happen.

I prayed that you would hit rock bottom. I thought you did.

It didn’t happen.

I thought you would be with me forever. I stayed with you through everything; I thought you would surely do the same.

It didn’t happen.

I thought I would love you forever.

It didn’t happen.

I apologize to you dear readers if you stayed till the end. I know it was depressing to read about the sadness of my life. My purpose in writing this is twofold-
I hope that no one ever has to go through what I did. If you are an addict then you must know that the pain you cause others is immense. Those others love you, they deserve better. If you live with an addict then I hope that you can learn from my mistakes, do not enable. No matter how much you love them, saying “no” hurts for a time but the pain of loss suffers long.
Second, I thought that writing this would provide closure-
It didn’t happen.

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