I can't

3:14 AM

I can’t sleep.

A night bird has taken up residence in a tree outside my bedroom window. The damn bird won’t shut up. She’s been there for a week. Every night it is the same…sing a song..sing a song…sing a song.

In the bathroom I looked in the mirror. My face is swollen again. My mouth hurts so badly from the sores.

I rinse my mouth with one of the five rinses I have been trying. None of them work for very long.

I can’t spit because my lips are too sore to have strength enough to push, so I just open my  mouth and let the rinse fall out.

I want to open my mouth, my body and just let the chemo drugs fall out.

Monday was treatment number 7 or 8, I can’t remember anymore.

It was the worse so far.

The mouth sores, the stomach pains. Cold sensitivity in my hands and on my lips. Neuralgia  in my feet that sends needles of pain with each morning step.

I can’t drink anything cold without pain. I want a ice cold Dr. Pepper more than anything I have wanted in a long time…but I can’t.

I can’t do so many things that I want.

I don’t know if I can go on.

I have asked God for some relief.

There has been none.

I don’t know why He is not listening.

I want to send the damn bird up to Heaven to wake God up!

But I won’t. I will continue to pray. I will finish the chemo-treatments. I will endure the suffering and hopefully beat the cancer.

It would be so easy to give up…but I can’t.