I thought I had written the last entry for this blog. I
began fresh with a new blog, “Is God in My Pajamas?” a few months back. It is
on the lighter side when compared to this one. I did so to try and put behind
me the constant darkness that surrounds writing about addictions. But I can’t
seem to get completely away.
A few days ago a thought wandered into my mind from nowhere.
Once inside it began rolling around, changing and growing constantly. With
effort I would push it aside. But it just kept coming back, kicking other
thoughts away like a bully on the playground.
The thought- what would be different today if you hadn’t
become an addict.
I went back in time, trying to remember the way things were
and the way I had hoped things would be.
Georgetown, Texas-
We were back in Texas after our adventures in Alaska. I
didn’t know then that the addiction that would destroy everything in its path
like a F5 tornado had its roots in Alaska.
Our children were growing up too fast. Jennifer and
Elizabeth were enjoying the life of young girls. There were boyfriends, choir
and dance teams. James was just a little boy who played baseball with his Dad
and brought home the occasional frog. My hopes for the future of our children
included thoughts of proms and high school graduations, college, careers and
families of their own. I pictured grandchildren who would love the Lord, like eating
cake with grandpa and hrowing our family tree. Things were good.
Almost.
Your addiction was taking on new forms. Your secret life was
starting to reveal. Trust was eroding. With each lie you told my trust in you
suffered further corrosion. I had always been a man who believed, who trusted, always
willing to give the benefit of doubt. To this day I no longer know how to
trust.
Lies and lack of trust turned into perpetual arguments. The fighting was
non-stop. Our problems stormed down the hill to our children. I started taking
it out on them. My lack of trust was no longer limited to you; I didn’t trust
my own children.
An opportunity for change came. We made the decision to
relocate to Georgia. I thought that new surroundings, new beginnings would make
you stop.
It didn’t happen.
Atlanta, Georgia-
A new home in Georgia. But our daughters, Jennifer and
Elizabeth did not come. The tension was too much for them and they looked for peace with
their real father’s family. I knew I had lost them. I knew I had lost them because of what you were
doing to me, to our family.
Our baby, Sara Rose was the newest member of our family. Even at such a young age she was excited about moving to Georgia. I
was never able to let go of the thought that she spent her first days of life in
intensive care at Seton Hospital because of the pills you abused so often. On my knees I
asked God to let her live, that the sins of the parents would not pass down.
When you became pregnant with Joseph the same fear haunted
me every day for nine months. Would he suffer the way Sara had?
I believe it was the grace of God that allowed our life to
have some semblance of normalcy during those years in Georgia. I poured myself
into my career, partly to avoid spending time with you. The abuse of
painkillers had changed you so much I could no longer recognize the woman I had
fallen in love with.
Then you chose to admit to your addiction to me at a time that
could only interfere. My career was moving in the direction I had hoped for. In
less than a year I would have been promoted to the C.O.O. of one of the fastest
growing companies in Georgia,
It didn’t happen.
You wanted to move back to Texas. You wanted a fresh start.
Running away was the real motive; I just didn’t recognize it then. Our son
James made the same decision that Jennifer and Elizabeth had made, he wanted to
stay in Georgia, not with family but with friends. That day, that very moment he told me his decision,
may be the saddest I have experienced in a life that has been riddled with
sorrow.
You said that if we moved back Texas you would get the
professional help you needed.
It didn’t happen.
Texas-
Nothing changed. You found new ways to obtain the painkillers.
You honed your deceit like an expert. I prayed that you would seek help.
It didn’t happen.
I prayed that you would hit rock bottom. I thought you did.
It didn’t happen.
I thought you would be with me forever. I stayed with you
through everything; I thought you would surely do the same.
It didn’t happen.
I thought I would love you forever.
It didn’t happen.
I apologize to you
dear readers if you stayed till the end. I know it was depressing to read about
the sadness of my life. My purpose in writing this is twofold-
I hope that no one
ever has to go through what I did. If you are an addict then you must know that
the pain you cause others is immense. Those others love you, they deserve
better. If you live with an addict then I hope that you can learn from my mistakes,
do not enable. No matter how much you love them, saying “no” hurts for a time
but the pain of loss suffers long.
Second, I thought that
writing this would provide closure-
It didn’t happen.
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