Saturday, November 26, 2011

Survivors Part 2

The question today, how does the survivor move forward? How do we forgive the addict for what they have done? How do we ever trust them again? Will what they did prevent the survivor from ever trusting anyone again?

I can try to answer these questions from my own experiences of living with an addict for more than 15 years. I am afraid that my answers would not be edifying for you if you are too a survivor. I know where the answers must come from. My own answers will certainly re-open wounds that have just now began to heal. But for the reader, and for myself, I will quickly walk down this old road.

How does the survivor move forward? I didn't. My life was stagnated from the moment that her addiction developed into the centerpiece of our life. I did not know which way to turn. With great effort I found her the professional help she needed, but I did nothing to change the feelings I had. In those rare moments when I felt as if the future held hope I failed miserably when it came to acting upon the opportunity. Too may years of cautious living had hampered me in every layer of my life. I had given up.

When she made the choice to leave I thought another opportunity to start fresh had presented itself. My motivation was like a muscle that has been neglected, I had no strength. So i wallowed in self-pity. It was the words of my daughter that provided the strength to take at the least small steps forward.

How do we forgive the addict? I don't think I have. The consequences of her addiction continue to have adverse affects of my family. I raise my children alone. I face a mountain of financial obligations alone. I sleep alone. It is her alone that I cannot forgive.

How do we ever trust them again? The opportunity for trust has not presented itself yet, so I am not sure if I could give you an answer to this question. I suppose the closest to having to trust has been the few times that she has asked to see my youngest son. My gut told me absolutely no way! But I considered the years she had spent as a mother, albeit a mother with an addiction, she never once brought harm to the children. More importantly, I would not pass my own resentments down to my children.

Will the survivor ever trust anyone again? This is the hardest question to answer, because the truthful answer reveals more to me than I want to know. It has been over a year since she left her family but I have not learned to trust again. I don;t know if I ever will.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Survivors

I was sitting here catching up on the news of the week when I read the stories of devastation that took place on the east coast after power storms blew through the area. Six people died as a result of this storm and the tornadoes left a path of destruction from state to state. The reporters interviewed the survivors and told their stories of close calls or of total losses. The pictures showed rest of the world the destructive path of the storm or where the tornado seemingly left selected homes untouched.

An addict is like the tornado. She brings havoc and destruction to her family. Everywhere the addict goes the chance to destroy is there. Every person whose life the addict touches may be changed forever. Just like the tornado the addict doesn't realize their own power, and rarely sticks around to witness the results. On occassion there are even those selected few that the addict will step around to avoid bringing them harm, but it doesn't usually last. Eventually the storm-like powers that the addict wields will be out of her control, when that day comes it will be difficult to recognize the survivors.

But we are survivors. We may carry the scars for many years, but we survive. The addict will destroy relationships, homes, bank accounts and even their family in order to satisfy their addiction. Some losses may one day be rebuilt, others are gone forever.

Dear addict, how do you give back the years of youth you robbed from your children? They were forced to grow up so fast because only someone with advanced years could lie to cover up your behavior. Do you remember they stood by your side even when the shame was overwhelming, or did you even realize they were there? How do you mend a relationship that was filled with deceit? Do you really believe that you could ever be trusted again? You battle your addiction with the help of other addicts, where does the survivor turn for healing? You relapse, believing that you can once again stop, you've quit so many times before.

I am a survivor. My strength comes from God, your determination comes from a "higher power". My hope comes from Christ, where does yours come from? A weekly meeting? A big blue book?

How I wish the addict could just get a small glimpse of the havoc the cause before it happens. Maybe that would be enough to make them stop.

Part 1 of a 3 part series.

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