Saturday, March 27, 2010

tammy h

A few hours ago I attended a Cocaine Anonymous meeting after being invited by tonight's guest speaker, Tammy H. Tammy is my wife.

I arrived to a room that was filled with addicts. Like my wife, all were not cocaine addicts. I listened to them reveal their addictions,as I patiently waited for tonight's speaker to begin. There were alcoholics, cocaine addicts,and those with combination's of abuse. I was sitting in a room with people, whose network may have abused every drug there is to abuse. I was uncomfortable, hoping that the time would progress rapidly to the moment I could walk out the door.

Then a young girl stood up to introduce tonight's speaker, my wife. Her words and choked back tears told all of her adoration for Tammy. Tammy is this young girl's sponsor, her mentor. She spoke of a time with without hope, and then how hope came to her through the words that my wife had shared with her. And now Tammy was about to share those words in a room filled with people who cling each day to an elusive hope.

In 2008, my first book, "Going Numb" was released. The book was about a battle with addiction; Tammy's battle. It was about God's love and intervention in our life. It was suppose to be about hope. The last chapter of Going Numb was written on what was then Tammy's thirtieth day of sobriety, it has now been more than three years. As I read those words back now, I realize that in those final thoughts written was also doubt. I did not have much hope that Tammy could even stay sober to day thirty-one.

Thank God I was wrong. You see, tonight Tammy wrote the final chapter with the words she delivered to a room filled with hope.

She invited us on a journey that began with her childhood and it would continue along a road filled with turns and obstacles until it would finally reach her recovery. Tammy's words brought back many memories. Memories that I had chosen to bury in the darkest corner of that closet we call our mind. She reflected on behaviors that had caused pain to the people she loved. She told this audience how she had ruined so many things. As I sat there listening to my wife's confession I wondered why she would tell a room filled with strangers about such private matters. Her words caused hurt, for her and for me, yet she continued down this road.

Tammy spoke of things I had not remembered. She spoke of things I had not known. With her words she completed stories that previously I had only been able to guess as to the endings. Not another sound could be heard as she lead us on this journey whose scenery revealed scars that heal so slowly.

Tammy spoke of God. She told us how He had been there when others were not. The list of "others" is exhaustive and includes me. It was at this turn in the road that I saw her destination. With Tammy's words paving the road she lead a group of people to a place called Hope. By revealing where she had come from she accomplished the message of where she was going, and tonight everyone in that room wanted to go with her.

Tonight I saw for the first time in many years the woman I fell in love with. She has matured beyond me. She came through this journey better.

She looked at me as she spoke with tears brimming her eyes and said, "I don't know how I will ever make it up to you."

Baby, you just did.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Just as I am.


Charlotte Elliot penned these beautiful words-
"Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because Thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come."

-more than 150 years ago. I am blessed each time I am led to sing this wonderful hymn. The words remind us that regardless of who we are, or of what we have done, our Lord died for us. These simple words tell us that we are welcome, that we are forgiven and that we are cleansed.

Then what?

These words of assurance are for our beginning. They are like the welcome mat at the outset of our walk with Jesus Christ. He welcomes me "Just as I am", but we can not stay "Just as we were"!

The Apostle Paul wrote in his letter to the Colossians-
"You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. " Col.3:7-10.
We can add to Paul's list of things that must be rid;addiction.

We accepted Christ's promise. We asked Him to help us stop. Now all that came with a life of addiction must also stop. We can't stop abusing one substance and replace it with another substance or behavior, and think for a moment that we are cleansed. We can't have anger towards the results of our own past behavior, lashing out at the one's who loved us enough to stand beside us when we failed, who stood fast through our recovery, who could have left but never did. We can't lie about our past to pave a better future, that my friend is denial. We can't because of the blood He shed. You see there is no forgiveness without the shedding of His blood. Without forgiveness there is no hope. Without forgiveness there is no relief.

When we continue just as we were, we water down the blood of Christ. And when we add water and more water and then more by our refusal to accept a new and renewed image, we end up with nothing more than a stagnate puddle to stand in...alone.

Father, I pray that we accept and embrace the new image your created for us. I pray that these words open our eyes-
"Just as I am, and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come."

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Indecency 101


Yesterday someone displayed a banner on the campus of UTSA declaring "Free Porn". The banner went on to read "Trade in your Holy texts for porn." The banner is signed "Atheist Agenda". The creators and enthusiast of this banner may fail to realize the hypocrisy they displayed when choosing to wave a banner for all to see.

The Vice President of Public Affairs for the university stated "...we are a market place for free ideas.", he went on to say, "As long as students don't violate any laws or rules, they are allowed to exercise their constitutional rights." Sadly I suppose he is correct. Our nation wavers all to frequently, as of late, when recognizing constitutional rights. It is with pride and reverence that I also claim those same constitutional rights to voice my opinion to reveal the true hypocrisy of this ardent group of young atheist.

The web site for American Atheists spends a considerable amount of space defining their beliefs. Actually the majority of the space declares why all other definitions, other than their own, fall short of the truth. So I will honor their definition; "a lack of belief in gods"...that's it.

So where is the hypocrisy in their displaying of this banner?

The Atheist has made an offer to trade pornographic material for "Holy Texts". This person who practices a belief in the lack of gods suddenly recognizes that other texts are worthy of complete devotion. Texts that are exalted because of their goodness and righteousness are now sought after by the Atheist (otherwise why trade for them?). They will readily surrender their own belief that porn is good, porn is free,and finally admit that porn is actually one of their gods, in order to get their soiled hands on "Holy Texts". Evidently their lack of belief in gods only extends as far as the atheist chooses. In elevating pornographic material to a level that is equal with the Bible or the Koran, the Atheist inadvertently has revealed a god, their god, their idol.

Perhaps these Atheist will take the time to read the "Holy Texts" that are bartered for their cheap porn. Perhaps they will learn that long before they had this bright idea in March of 2010, man had already sought deity in obscenity. Genesis 13:13 reads "Now the men of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the Lord." In Sodom the little god of lasciviousness was so vogue that only one man and his family were spared from the wrath of God. Perhaps they will realize that the desire within them to seek comfort originates from the God of the Universe who loves them so much that he allows them to worship the little gods. Perhaps they will realize, if they take the time to read the words, that God knew from the beginning that these were the choices they would make. In making these choices, God knew that he would be separated from his creation, his children, separated for an eternity. Perhaps as they read they will see that to avoid eternal separation, God came to us as a man. And this man, Jesus the Christ, walked amongst his creation. As a man he described to all who would listen, the love of the Father. As a man he suffered. As a man he wept. As a man he died...for you and for me.

Or perhaps they wont realize the hypocrisy their life is draped in and never read a single word.

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